I can't think, god I can't just let my mind do its own thing. I can only spend some time with my parents until my head starts to hurt, not much like a head ache but more like a heat, the word overwhelming is just staring me down in smirkness, judging my eagerness to look for something petic to try and sound unique instead of hugging the truth it holds for me, but I digress.

Their voices, specially my mom's is just impossible not to hear, impossible to ignore, it's high pitched despite what she believes, I had to get a little further away from her presence to be able to write this. I've been wanting to write about the rpg since last night but haven't been able to. It feels like too much, like I'm not able to grab the ideas from my brain and put them down into words that would make up something cohesive.

My dad can't ever not be the one on top, in jokes in stories, almost all the time if he's telling and the main character of the story it has to be about him being the "rightest" one. "If we were in an island the first one to die because of picky eating would be [My brother], then [My mom], Bruno and I'd die last... From eating too much" followed by a smirky laughter. He always contradicts himself but hates when it's point out, he can't stand being wrong and warps every situation so that he's the one who's been wronged, you are the one who is stupid, who is selfish, who's uncaring. Considering simple mistakes? Never, even if he doesn't believe them, he'll "jokingly" make a comment putting you as the one in the wrong.

They're not abusive, despite these things they'd never intentionally hurt me or my brother, even if subcontiously it's not like they're evil. They're annoying that's what they are, they lack the idea that their children are people and often don't care about boundaries.

Now at days whenever they say something that gets me annoyed, whatever it be I most of the time try to stay silent. Whenever they touch a topic I KNOW they are wrong, or I just disagree with I feel that energy, I feel that pressure pushing me down. It's like I'm a balloon and they push me under the water, my first reflex is to fight back, is to try to rise over the water so I can breathe, but that's defient, that means they're wrong and god forbid they every admit they're wrong about anything, even to themselves.

So its met with another push, usually stronger than the one before, their voice gets a harsher tone, louder which means a lot for someone that uses the lie that "we're descendent from italian" to be unreasonably loud on regular conversation trying to hold me down. The more you push back the more you're pushed in. And however strong the boyancy burns in my stomach I have to I fucking have to kill it, try to hold it until it dicipates in my stomach. It feels shit but having to do it after the force becomes raging inside me and the mood with my parents becomes shit for the rest of the day.

So many things so so many things. My father's terribly poisoned view of politics, his complete lack of undertanding of social problems, the way he looks down and talks shit about the next generation while I am right besides him. My mom's hipocricy on her world views, how she is incredibly intolerant, her homophobia and transphobia that hurts me so bad whenever I'm reminded of it, how much she says she thinks of herself as someone who knows what's right from wrong.
How both of them look down and belittle people who go through things they can't ever understand and just refuse to. How they disrespect me, they can't ever help themselves from bashing down on my previous partner options. "Try to find someone that's normal this time, and preferably someone less than 70kg" god how they make me feel like shit. And remember, no fighting back.

Stay at your fucking corner.

Or else it gets worse.