This page is where I'll put just random stream of thoughts or idea that wouldn't make up anything by themselves, you may find stories, theories, reviews, advice, pixel doodles and much more. I'll try to avoid anything that has any anger or pessimism, not that they have no value, but I find that there is an excess of these feeligns in online places, and my website is meant to be somewhere calm, joyful, chill, and even eerie, for those who need it.
I was in the shower the other day and a string of thoughts made me think... If there was a hat made of cloth or fabric or something that sped up the effects of balding, would people even know? Say it's a benie, a hat that you wear when it gets cold, and usually not all day either, how long it would take for you to notice the beanie was making you bald? Would you even know it was the beanie? And what about other people, how long would it take for people to realize they're going balder, connect it to the beanie and to collective know that other people experience that with the same hat, maybe (probably) I might just be crazy talking right now but it feels like it would take yeeears, if it ever gets found out... Who's to say we don't have those right now? Who knows what every day item might be making you bald, and you don't even know it ~(°o °~)
I was wondering the other day, while reading another portion of a book, one of the few I find exciing enough to read, and the thought came to me, could you make a story, a message, something with just images, a slideshow, no transitions, all your tools would be images, and if you'd like, an order to them. Could be original images or not actually I find it specially enticing the idea of making a story with images which that were made withouth this purpose in mind and recontextualized to fit a story. I thought about posting this prompt somewhere, though I wans't sure where, maybe there's a specific subreddit or something where it could fit, but as I'm writing this another idea came to mind... and depending on how further in the future you're reading this you can check out the "challenges" page
y there man?" "Yeah, it's fine, it happens very often." "Wait... the hell's that?"
He points behind me. Still startled from stumbling I quickly look back and turn my body.
"Holy shit! I don't know" "Looks kind of like... A shop?" "Yeah I was gonna say, but out here?" "You think it's abandoned?" "Fucking hope so, it definitely looks like it"
We walk up to it as we discuss, this place we found nowhere, our slow and heavy steps powered by our excitement. Thoughts, theories, wishes, prayings of what could, must, should be inside, that's not what we set out to do, not by far, if there was any hope for it it was thin like the silver chord of a guitar I can't play for the life of me, though I know he can, but fucking shit if this wasn't what we wanted with the aching backs of our brains.
"Look how dirty it is" "It has to be abandoned man, I'll check to the side" ....... "Let me know if you find anything" "duh.."
It's not huge, but far from being small, there's some stuff on the left side here, a few boxes that seem to be filled with recyclables, maybe we should check it out later. Shattered glass, card board sheets a little bigger than the length of my arm, a... washing machine? it's extremely broken down if that's what it is, there's a door close to the end of the wall. . . It's locked.
"BRO COME CHECK THIS S
I'm in my room, less than a minute ago my mom walked up to me and gave me a roll of tape, those larger ones, she said "find me the tip" which isn't the most uncommon thing, she doesn't have the best eyesight for stuff that's close up, specially something like transparent tape. But then she did something odd, she left the room and closed my door. That by itself isn't strange but... How long does she think I'll take to find the tip? Even if it were a minute I imagine she'd wait around while I do it... Maybe there's something behind that, maybe there's a reason she did that, something she knows that I don't, is this tip that hard to find?...
Does it have a tip? Has my mother given me an impossible task to perform, so that I would be trapped in the process for an infinite ammount of time, therefore her pressence not required right here, right now...
It did have a tip, I found it in around 15 seconds, she was just outside my room getting a box ready. Still all of that went across my mind in 2 of those 15 seconds.
A lighthouse
The back of a video game store
A fire place in the middle of: nowhere, woods
CR
An attic
A pool (meltfloor)
Low poly version of the town I live in
I find it incredibly odd when putting under a magnifying glass how in my melancolical moments what my heart and my body desire is disorder, a mess in some way, wishing I could lay down in some corner of a dimly lit, unkempt room. To sleep in a cardboard box, I am made of felt and my heart of string.
late party
Fridge hallway of a meat house/grocery store
An abandoned arcade, definitely an abandoned arcade.
If I'm being completely honest, my relationship to rain feels... Wrong? Unethical, if that's even the right word. I adore the rain, the faint dripplings that cool off for an hour or so, give me comfort, it feels like company, barely leaving any trace of it being there, if not for the memmories of it.
The full on STORM in all caps with blowing winds that makes feeble hearts tremble for their lives, it gives me thrils, fear, The rawring winds before the rain comes is exhilarating, a rawring invisible growl so intense, so constant, completely invisible but intensely present that can push your body to the sides, it's like an immense beast, tens if not hunderds of times larger than you, and it's coming for you, specifically you, it will reach you, unknown when, unknown how, you can't even picture its presence you just feel it is just around the corner, just behind the back of your head, chasing you until either you find shelter where you can shield yourself within walls and soup and a fire... Or . . . It catches you. Your ears are blasted with what sounds like thousands of bullets coming from the sky, right before your body can feel its part of the ordeal. Nearly constant, tactile bursts over the supperficial parts of your body pointing towards your current reversed plumb bob and wherever else the wind is blowing towards. It's cold, soon you'll be colder, it will consume you, stealing your warmth, stealing your heat. A fenomena so overwhelmingly present it will define if not completely steal the entire identity of that moment in your mind.
Storms can be disastrous, shelter for some isn't just too far to reach, it is unexistent, not lasting enough, but for however somber those facts are, it isn't the reason for my earlier comment, they bring me sorrow. But that other feeling, it comes from a somewhat more common occurance.
The casual rain that makes you take an unbrella when going to work or off to school, gives me space, the same way the streets become barrer and wet, pushing most people to take a car, it gives me space to walk and talk, people avoid the streets, the same ones I choose to traverse, I become the only one taking up that space, I become alone and I truly, truly own that moment, it allows me to take time to go anywhere, it gives me an excuse to be slow, and I choose to take it. Work becomes considerably easier, much less clients come, there are much, much fewer people I need to intreact with, I'm given personal space, but a space that takes up other spaces. The day's profit becomes considerably smaller, which is the whole source of income to my parents. People tell me they hate the rain, it makes them moody, sad, and I do too, and I relish that sadness, I savor that emptyness, and I take its space, I fill all that void with myself. And I am filled with guilt for it.
What a lovely word, un contious, not contious, funny that, I imagine like most, I learned this word before "contiousness" as when someone is unaware, like when they're asleep or they fanit. I think that was a simple enough explanation for child me to understand, but now with that added contiousness concept, you're not able to do more than your basic bodily functions, you don't have control over your body, that rings in my minds the bells of being drunk. Never drank, don't plan on doing that any time soon, so take this with a pinch of salt and a drop of lemon and shove it down your throat in less than 5 seconds and tell me how that feels, but from what I've talked to people close to me, when you're drunk you don't "loose control of yourself", it gets weird and I'm sure it removes strains in your moral compass, but I doubt it just changes who people are, that's why in my mind when you're drunk we don't call it uncontious, you can still make decisions, maybe bad ones, misguided ones for sure, but you still do, it's about the ability of action other than the choice of the same.
Another thing that comes to mind is the other side of the consiousness coin, subconsious. If we have an uncontious, why don't we have an "unsubcontious"? And that quickly comes to a simple answer, when you're unctontious, your subcontious is still on, working, but for your subcontious to not be active, that is simply death, more than anything you are rooted in your subcontious, cut that and all that comes after disappears and decays. Unsubcontious, maybe that's the true word we mask with the other one, unsubcontious, therefore uneverything, therfore
dead.
I've been needing to feel my soul. Wanting to be honest, the question of "need" is too deep to get into in a tangent and I wanna talk about something else right now, but, I want to feel my soul. I think what I mean by that is the feeling of "fullfillment", I think it's that because the sensation of this feeling is similar to hunger, and the hunger I feel this very moment is for something like this. Something that I have in mind that would fill this need for fullfillment is, besides having said meal, is being in a forest, being in a serene, warm forest, near a creak, the ground is of dry dirt or short grass, feel the sun glistening through the leaves of the tall trees, a log to sit, somewhere with just me, and the nature for me to connect, and feel that warmth, a nice soft warmth, an lightly greenish yellow, with blips of lime green.
I won't lie to you, when I say connect with nature, what I picture is me, playing the ocarina, an ocarina I bought. I have been playing ocarina of time for a few weeks now, my first time doing so, to say that it is not the reason I want to do so is a lie, it's just that, right now, I want to feel like a kid in a forest, writing this is giving me chills right now for some reason and my eyes are slightly teary. I feel so feeble for doing so, it's like I have no control over my wants, just because I saw a thing I immediately want it, how childish, how not-one's-self, it's the reverse of authentic, which is something I try to value a lot, it's so much of my self worth, and to want this, for what feels like simply having seen it, it feels wrong, and I feel faliure being forshadowed, I feel like it won't help me, it won't fullfill me, I chose this in a whim, how could it fullfill me. I'm waiting on it to arrive to see. I want to like it so much. I need it.
I decided to separate a section fully dedicated to my ocarina ramblings, they were getting too big
nd there's a certain feeling I get when I watch it, or just think back on it. Looking at the background, the props, it's all fake, but in an extra-fake way, not just "these objects aren't real", but it's made of materials that are so impractical. Felt, cloth, clay, paper. It's obviously fake, and that brings such an unique feeling. It resonates with the show's vibe of just things happening, nothing is really functional, practical, not really, their only real function is to be props, something in the background of something else. Anything with an actual function, purpose, on any given episode, is created and held separate from the background. If something needs to happen, it comes to happen, you don't need to do anything to get by, you're allowed to just be.
In a way it's simmilar to how I felt watching Pingu. From a very young age I watched pingo like, a handful of times, enough to have it in that hazy part of my memmory. I couldn't remember any episode by themselves, but my brother would ocasionally reference to it, so I knew it did exist. But until I decided to look it up some years later, the memories I did have of it, the ones that are the most palpable to me, and one of the reasons I come back to it here and there through the years. I remembered pingu running away, I think he met that seal during it, but I remember most are the backgrounds, the set, they weren't that big, maybe have a few objects, usually some ice structures, but the very back, a far, far wall of ice, on top of it a cloudless, blue sky. I remembered it with a mixture of fear and curiosity, seeing pingu, that kid penguin, just walking through what felt like an immense desert of nothing. It's static, nothing happens unless you do, you can decide to stay static with it.
And it's slightly intensified with the knowledge that it's a children's cartoon, almost for todlers, and I say that while confidently calling it one of my comfort shows, though I still watch it at a minimum, feeling that underwhelming comfort when I do. Wishing I could be there, explore those structures that are separated by large empty gaps of white uneven land, bigger in the inside than the outside.
Those clay objects, their boundaries well defined, features clear and visible, colors soft but distinct.
Build an igloo with a friend, sleep there during the night.
eating a meal we made ourselves.
it's all so
simple
Wouldn't it be cool to be able to see your total stats like in rpgs but for for random stuff in real life?
Walking distance/Steps
Times blinked
Unique sentences ever
Unique words ever
Time doing [literally anything]
Money fained
Money spent
Money lost
Words written
Secrets found °O °
Longest time without looking at your stats (I'm sure this would kill some people haha including me ;w;)
Number of faces you've ever seen
How many callories you ever consumed/spent
There's something to be said about the echoy high pitched voice of doseone here, though probably only by me
Something about it feels so familiar, but listening back on his other tracks I can't find anything that's simmilar to this, not in the way this one is
It just makes me happy in a way, not in an intense concentrated excitement kind of way, or even a pleasing way, it's like the wind, I feel like I become like the wind and am allowed to move freely, quickly but effortlessly into a single direction, no destination or starting point, just the feeling of movement.
I haven't looked at the lyrics until now, which is a part of me that still feels controversial, how can I listen absorb feel internalize build myself off and just love so many songs, while not even looking at its words, only gathering a few bits and pieces I can comprehend here and there. I don't know the answer to that, sometimes I'm fine with it, other times I compress myself with that block.
Maybe I will find out some day.
I wanna rap
Until the solid glass trap of my identity crack
And freehand it after that
Like the world's first map and get my
way with bending pen back
So, yesterday something... weird? happened. I was at work, and a delivery guy arrived, he had a box and said a name, my mom's name, that's not unusual, just the day before the same thing had happened, my mom had ordered some shampoo and it was delivered here, most things we order are. The guy dropped the box and left, it was a big box, about 60cm tall 60cm wide and 30cm long, on the cardboard it had the print of a stand up fan, odd, but sure, why the hell notl. I texted my mom that her order had arrived, but then she said that she didn't order anything, the last thing she ordered was the shampoo and wasn't waiting for anything else. We called her to confirm and yeah, she didn't ordar any fans, we chekced inside without needing to cut open the box, it had those plastic packing strips around it, so we could kinda open it a bid and see inside, and yeah fan parts. I thought for a bit and duh, my brother, his girlfriend is living in our city now and the house she's living on has no ac, and as far as I remember the fan there wasn't good, and it def wouldn't mind having an extra one, there we go case solved. I texted my brother asking if he ordered a fan in mom's name, just to be sure.
"nope" ..shit. Okay, back to being confused. Mom checked with amazon and the other websites she uses for online shopping. Nothing, no accidental purchases or somehow
I was on my way home one day, I think I was on foot, the day was cloudy, it was a less warm day than most had been up until then, that calms me, it's like I can breathe again. I was walking, and I looked up, up at the sky.
The clouds looked so calming, it was one of those moments, you witness something from a distance, and it looks so whole, so complete, it calls for you, you feel like if you were there, you wouldn't need anything else, you could be there for an undetermined time, and regret would be as far away from you as you are from it right now.
I thought myself on those clouds, walking under them, as if gravity had turned the other way for me, the clouds would hold me securely, I could walk around, hop from one cloud to another with the weight of nothing, jumps landing with few impact to myself, just puffs of cloud spewing not far from where I end up. The big void of the ocean grayish-blue sky under me, falling through it would be terminal, and its gaps aren't few or short, but it poses no threat, somehow, I know I won't fall, I can if I want to, but that just will not happen.
Sitting down and bending my neck and back backwards, I can see my town, now in place where the sky used to be. The chilling breeze, the soft ground that I'm able to lay down and take my time doing so, I could live here forever, not a single word spoken, just the music of the breeze, hopping from cloud to cloud.
Which might not be that much of a surprise to you, but it definitely is to me. I rarely ever remember my dreams, I know I have them, everyone does, about 5 per night, but you just don't remember most of them, usually 1 or 2 every couple of nights. But for me it's a bit different. I often go months without remembering a single dream, maybe somewhere in the middle I wake up with some mixture of feelings but no visual or memory nor recollection of events. Last dream I had was a bit over 3 weeks ago, unpleseant, just made me upset for other people's decisions. This one was nothing like that.
It was late in the night, very very late, I was on my way home by feet, two guys by each side, I think we were enjoying the moment, I remember an air of laughter to it. I don't remember who they were, felt like friends but no one too close, and I didn't remember any face or voice, I don't have any identity to point to.
We were about to reach a gas station that's near my house, about a kilometer still to go, though the surroundings and the gas station itself looked nothing like how it really is, regardless, I remember looking a little over the horizon line and seeing the sun, the sky was pitch black but it was so late that the sun should be rising soon, looking back now it makes no sense, but dream logic puts me in a place where the 6 am rising sun and the absolute midnight darkness can coexist.
Do you get a weird feeling when you see the moon but it's still bright out? You're able to see the sun and the moon at the same time, it's still light out, what is the moon doing out here? That same feeling flew to me, but in this opposite scenario. Our direction was perpendicular to the gas station, with its side turned to us. I pointed to the right of the gas station, to the rising round white ball with white swirls of light around it, asking in a joking tone to the two others that were with me. "Hey wait, if the sun's over there.." you couldn't see both sides of the sky at the same time due to the building, I then moved myself to the left of it and pointed at the moon, it was big, bigger than the sun, a big white cirle with its now unmemorable carvings and features my mind melted from my memories "And the moon is over there.." And then it happened
The moon exploded, almost like the cause of me pointing out its contradictory presence, my now memory of it is a blur, but it felt vivid, a big chunk of it had separated slightly from it after what seemed like an explosion on the surface. What was the moon in mere moments became more big chunks and in an instant, what should be hundreds of thousands of kilometers away, was now less than a few, and it was white, perfectly white. The chunks began flying towards me, fast, I barely could react when a huge piece of light bigger than a car but smaller than a truck came crashing into the wall that now was behind me, to the left of the gas staion. As it came crashing down and eventually did, it left particles in the way, alongated white pixels that surrounded it and vanished quicker than you'd realize, like sparkles, with the crash of the chunk it exploded in fireworks next to me, bright maximum colors, not unlike spectrum.png, it was euphoric, I was amazed, a rush of feelings so fast came to me, none that I can point at or name, but it must have been euphoric. A few more chunks crashed too, one in the sky, another to my left.
And then came my reaction to it, and I imagine it's not unlike what I would really do in that scenario, ignoring the unnatural nature of it all
Immediately I needed to tell Mickael, this had to be some extremely rare phenomena I stumbled upon and had never heard of, I remember the brief feeling that I'd ask my brother later and he'd be familiar to it at least somewhat, but right now I needed to tell Mickael, by that point the two others that were with me had melted away into the #000 night sky. I rushed to my phone, still exhilerated, and called him from instagram for some reason. For the moments that it ranged, I had this muddied feeling that it wouldn't be him to pick his phone, that for some reason his phone wasn't his and I expected his sister to pick up the phone and the idea of explaining the situation as the last pixels disappeared on my peripheral vision was nothing short of anxiety driven.
His mom picked up, she was somewhat annoyed, I don't remember exactly how the conversation followed, something about how it was late, how he was asleep, I shouldn't be calling, but at that point I woke up.
It was nice to have something like this, this kind of feeling I have been missing for a good time now, it's even been filling what otherwise be moments of stillness at work as I write this annotation, though today has been a very rushed day, so there is little more than an hour left of this shift.
I recently began to fear that at one point, because of how I choose to name files, usually the first thing that comes to mind, regardless of what it is, I'll end up uploading an image and replacing something that happens to have the same name, something that I might have taken a lot of time making, and that I might not have saved anywhere else. It feels like a question of when more than if, I can already feel the upsetness that will come when that happens, just thinking about it. Well, I just hope it's not soon.
Can we all take a moment to point out how stupid is that Spotify understands "Video Game OST" as a genera? Like what the fuck, seriously, I'm so tired of being recomended video game ost, I listen to OSTs quite a bit but it's only for games I HAVE PLAYED, no matter how many times I get recomended the lisa ost or one shot ost I HAVEN'T PLAYED THEM so I don't want to listen to their music. And just think about it, compare minecraft's ost with portal's or idk lethal league, kingdom two crowns, hotline miami, they're all extremely different, and what just because they're from a similar media you think you can just group them together??? My most listened genera from last year was video game ost and it almost feels insulting.
I've been playing quite a bit of kingdom two crowns these past few days Whenever I wasn't working in that intellij Servlet assignment holy fucking shit and again I was able to appreciate its highs, there are things so special to this game, it has its flaws, but having played it so many times for so long, I'm able to feel them wash over me and drift off, being filtered while the nuggets of gold coins remain in my hands, shimmering calmly, reflecting the sunlight.
I have yet to see any other "kingdom builder" game this immersive. Maybe it's its simplicity, allowing you to know every single step of how every building was built. How you every worker, you yourself go to the forest to bring them to your kingdom, you build each bow and hamemr and how they'll use, the money comes from each individually, after a short while you can't distinguish them but I think the sense of closeness is still there. It's one of the rare games where I have a sense of knowing this world personally, the forests feel like they breathe, the clearings warm and calm, the emotion of it all feels real. It's like I can step right in, walk around the town, see the farmers, builders, fishers, walking around, doing their job, see the merchang coming ready to trade his products from the forest with the people of the kingdom.
Kingdom two crowns is a heavily flawed game, but it's things like these that make me not let it go regardless.
I know this sounds stupid but for a few seconds I was sure I did, it was xxxxxx.gif, the right up plannet, it moves 1 pixel, stays there, moves back 1 pixel, stays there, but for a few moments when I was editing the page I looked at it just cuz why not, and I saw it move down twice, 2 frames in a row, stay there, then go back up 2 pixels in 1 frame, I wasn't shocked nor anything, more mad that I missed something that shouldn't be too hard to get right, but after looking closer to analyze, it didn't anymore, it moved as intended, 1, stay, back 1, stay, in a loop. What the hell? I'm sure, certain I was just seeing things, but that messed me up for a second there.
You don't give a man a fish, you give him a key, bait, a lake, hide a fishing rod next to a tree, throw a chest on the lake and put something neat on it, a treasure? That's great! Put a heart locket with a mirror inside it? You've done perfection.
It was raining today, I'm not sure how but it feels like the rain made things quieter, sounds of cars going through the highway was much rarer than usual, which you'd think wouldn't be the case, what about rain would make less cars be on the street? But I digress.
I was at the store the moment it opened, saw the lights turn on the first time of the day, and went on with my usual routine. But it felt different than most times, I could listen to everything, not just hear, really listen to it, every footstep, switch flick, any consequence of friction I could listen to it, appreciate it, the physical pressure it put in my temples, however small it was.
Sometimes I like to walk, just to feel myself stepping, doing it slowly, feeling the texture of the ground under me, smooth, rough, concrete, asphalt, wood, whatever it may be.
I'm looking at a lamp right now, right now, this very moment, 21:57 Friday night 12/April/2024. It's such an odd lamp, it's attached by a thick metal rod to the ceiling, dark brown almost black metal, though it could be black but the lights twist the hue it shouldn't have around. at the lower end of the rod is a metal sphere, a little bigger than a closed fist, same colour as the rod. From that sphere grow whole dozen I counted smaller rods, close to 20cm in length, same material, same colour, each with a little node at the end. They're all in seemingly random places through the sphere, pointing away from the center in various directions. At the end of each node is another rod, pretty similar to the one holding it, each pointing at a lower angle than the previous. At the end of these rods, were sockets.
I don't know the name of these bulbs, if I did that would make things a little easier, but that doesn't matter, besides of making this thing a lamp they don't matter. Everything before the bulbs and after the ceiling is what gives it its... oddities. Remove them, you habe a lightbulb on the ceiling, remove everything else but the dark sphere hanging from the ceiling with multiple articulated members attatched to it, you got a spider.
It didn't take long to make that connection, not at all, I actually find it hard to assimilate it to anything else. Soon enough the creature came to life in my mind, I could see its arms swinging around as if they were one with the sphere, I could hear the metalic hindges making their cartoonish sound as the legs moved in instinct, it was still attached to the ceiling tho, the sphere didn't move at all, it wasn't going anywhere.
I took pictures of it, once I get home I'll edit them and put one of them to the Pics section. I just need to name this section, Spider bulb? Seems too generic. Aracnoligh. Yeah that has a nice sound to it, I'll put that up there.
Something in this section is a lie
Later today, this afternoon, I'll be going out with Mickael. We'll pack some stuff, old camera, music box, graffitti cans, sandwiches, water bottles and whatever else we find useful. It won't be the first time I go out with mickael like this, last year, about 10 months ago I think, we walked over 11 km by foot, just talking, it was one of the best days I had. I'm making a map of the town to print, there's a couple of geocaches we wanna check out, and after that we'll just go around and about, hopefully we'll find a nice secluded spot to tag, that would be fun. I'll take pictures of things I find interesting and post them here, along with anything else I find interesting. I don't wanna hype this up but I think it'll be pretty rad.
Oh please you must
welcome me with all of your trust
unbeknownst to you, as far as you know
to invade the crib you call "deer home"
And while uncontious, you must, oh please
after locking out the freezing old breeze
let me do my job, I'll give you a sight
as long as you sleep a wink in the night
with long arms and nails and even some brushes
reframe your own brain with my metal clutches
so once you're awake and you look around
you're going to scream:
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
and I'll grinn at your shout
:)
Hey I learned of the word awnings mean today
"A lot to see even more to miss." That's actually a really good quote, it perfectly fits for places like us.
"6669420" I'm not sure what this means, I looked it up and got some interesting results, deviant art picture, a thing on quotev whatever the hell that is, and a soundcloud user, I'll
oh my fucking god I've been looking at this for a while now, it's 666 69 and 420 I'm such a moron lmao. cool.
A poem hidden on the source code but that seems to be it
"Lost" audio is from youtube (fucking sick video btw) "you need to leave, there is nothing here for you"
AETHER'S END IS A FUCKING GAME?
Cool pictures, seems to live near the beach and a forest(maybe) or be able to travel, could be wrong, maybe the pictures were taken during vacation.
Note on 5th picture's alt "there is a light coming from somewhere outside the picture". Other alts seem to be merely detailed descriptions
There are more poems on the source code on the poems page, I'll see if there's anything hidden within them other than briliant art from the soul. I'll need more time to read them carefully.
-sidenote- the identation of some tags is kinda weird, but nothing that changes
"banner" seems to be linked from discord and is no longer avaliable.
from dates shown the poems seem to be from newest to oldest, given the date on the 2 last poems are on that order.
It's nice there is a page for references to art, such effort to keep things like that avaliable is rare now a days (I always forget if this is how you spell this expression)
This page has a comments section for some reason, it's nice just odd that's here from all places, I'd expect in the main page or somewhere separate.
Nothing on the source code it seems, always good to check.
Oh look games
Nice game taste, somewhat older than mine but nothing I'd disagree with. Besides some missing images there's nothing much of note.
There's a comment section at the main page too, guess my intuition was half right?
I think that's all for today, I'll definitely keep an eye when more stuff shows up, aswell as reading things with more care, like the poems.
It's that time again
Time for twenty one pilots, for colofrul hoodies
For those bright blue cloudless skies and the forecast ones become rarer
Time for the cold breeze where walking is no longer a struggle
the sun is no longer a struggle and is now greeted with kindness
Time for cucumbers, and soft pants aswell
Where organic consumption now has an extra seasoning to it
Time for "Fear of Cold" that fills you with life and passion
Days are more bearable, existing no more creates waste, but a resource
This is the time I've been waiting for.
You know when you're in the middle of a stream of thought, you're going on and on about nothing, something, whatever it is.
But then suddenly you pay attention to it, and it midbreaks, everything else between the past 2 seconds and 4 and a half minutes is destroyed from your memory, all you're left with is a single sentence mid-conversation between you and your mind. How weird is that?? This happens to me what feels like once every two months at most, yesterday it happened again. And the worst part is that, whatever you were talking about, anything you came up with, it's gone now, now matter how hard you think about it nothing comes of it, just this nonesensical remidner, "You know intuition is something they believe in there" Who? Where is there??. I'll just have to live with not knowing.
Hey so uh I'm making a comic thingy! It's nothing big, but it's pretty much the first time I'm doing anything like this. It's similar to most of the stuff in here it even takes place here and I'm doing it on the fly, not sure when that'll be finished, but that's where my attention has been lately
"...the most deadly creature in this plannet, the mosquito..." Is what I heard from the TV while getting ready for work today, "It's not the mosquitoe, it's the parasite" I thought, to me the narrator was clearing refering to malaria or dengue or some similar mosquito transmited disease they're called "vector-borne" btw but when I was thinking about an analogy it kinda did an 180 on me, "it's like a snake and its venom, you wouldn't say the venom is the... wait" if you think like that what the narrator said makes more sense than my first thought, so I kept thinking and having that lense of diseases in mind plagues came into mind, pandamics
"The black death was like super dangerous wasn't it? Well it was but I think we had like no defenses compared to what we have now. What about Covid? Covid seems to have killed much more people much faster, and we weren't no 1300's Europe, it may not be the biggest organic threat we faced but it certainly feels like it's stronger than malaria."
"That would be us then, the most 'deadly creature' according to the narrator, we were the ones transmitting it, I know viruses aren't animals but he said creature so I think it's fair game right?"
And that's where my discussion ended, it was a neat piece of thought to chew on for a bit.
I'm not sure there is anything like action button's review of boku no natsuyasumi, definitely nothing that will feel the same as it for me. It's a long video, one of the longest I have seen, longer than any movie I saw, but its length is not why it feels the way it does, it's a biproduct of it, probably a part of it for me, but not the core of it by far.
I don't remember what time in my life I watched it, so I'm not sure it was relevant, but I watched it through the course of a week or two, that I do remember. For a good little while it was always there, I was at work, or at home, maybe doing something else during it, likely my papercraft. It was one of the things that really caught me into it, one of the ones that I was soon to compromise playing anything over it, I couldn't put that in secondary place, let something else fully take the monitor, so I didn't, for a good little while that was the main thing I was giving attention to, which for something not interactable that I'd watch by myself is quite rare and was even more so at the time.
One of the first things that stood out to me as let the fresh waters of the review wash over me was his voice, the way he spoke. Action button spoke in a very harsh and methodical way, I will never know how natural it is or is meant to be but it feels scripted, and that's not a bad thing, everything feels planned, thought through, designed for the right viewer experience. Maybe I did have the intended experience, maybe not, but I wouldn't want it any different from what I did have.
What helped this too was the topic, that seems obvious but I feel the need to point it out, I'm not sure why. A kid's summer vacation, maybe it was how thoroughly the feelings of an grown adult were explored within this game, for lack of a better therm "Meant for children". It gives a touch of self awareness and I mean the emotional kind that's deeply reasurring, I don't think anyone else I ever met or talked to gave off the same safety of being allowed to have your soul being touched for something that most wouldn't deem for your consumption.
I'm not doing good, emmotionally I mean, I have my issues and I don't know how to deal with them. Loneliness, quiet rejection, the anxiety that comes from that, the inevitable void that will soon follow, digestion of self doubt, pits of anger that follow, trenches of bitterness. At times I feel I am to blame for this, not really my actions per say, but just the way I am, how I was built. I find myself so different from those aroudn me, but it's not in a fun way, people just don't want to stick around me because of it, I enjoy being myself but I gain nothing for being this way. There were a few people who did stick around, but it was different, I wasn't loved because of who I am but pretty much inspite of it, I was willing to give love, so they took it, all of it. It always regrows, but its like hunger, starvation has its effects.
I'm not sure what to do now, trying harder feels like pushing it, keeping the same efforts hasn't me gotten anywhere, and not trying is the fastest way to faliure. People tell me this isn't important, I should stop caring about it, "it'll eventually happen", but will it? Is it not important? Something that spears me so deeply just doesn't matter, I should just stop caring about the pain. I wish I could, it's not like I want to be like this, I don't enjoy the pain, I don't enjoy the loneliness. How many people live in unfulfilling relationships all their lives and then die? That haunts me at night. How could I not care about it.
Hey! Sorry I've been missing for a week or two? I think so at least I now have started to realize the value that putting dates on these logs could have but it's been months I won't start now But I just finished drawing the comic! It's fairly short, and I wouldn't even call it a "comic" per say, it's just some drawings of stuff I felt like drawing one day and decided to finish. I want to make a video with it later tonight and I'll link it here whenever that happens. Cya!
Update: sorry I wasn't able to do it yesterday, I need to record some stuff for it and my throat's been pretty rough, even more so today, so it might take a little more until I can finish it.
I also decided to cut on the voice recording, it's better without it
thank you for yoru patience
I had just started my course on system development, going out at night, every night, to this place full of somewhat old computers, learning things I didn't quite know fully yet, things I didn't know at all. Walking around the campus was such an experience, it was dark and full of trees, empty buildings with some lights on, almost no one to be seen outside, the forest behind the pools, talking to Mickael about the crazy digital horror stuff we like so much that not much other people get, it was such an alien world to me but one that I loved exploring, I knew there wasn't anything to it but listening to this song felt like anything could happen, like every time I left for the break with Mickael maybe something would be out there, a door that wasn't there before, something amongst the trees waiting for us to follow it. Reading house of leaves and havint the first few bizzare events inside the house, watching the oldest view with him on a call when I should have gone to sleep half an hour ago but it was just too fun not to stay there.
It's been almost two months the teachers have been on strike. I miss that place a lot.
it just downed on me the irony of the title
hah.
Look at me.
Look at my clothes and my hair
See what I want to look like
Look into my eyes after the glass that frames them
Feel what's inside filtered by mumblings
An awkard smile and a hand reaches out
Hold my hand and walk with me
See how I act in the presence of another
Dance with me
Our bodies light moving through the room
All this time you form a picture
One I cannot see myself
Curiosity paints me with dripples and drops
But that's alright, it couldn't be otherwise
The paint dries and soon I scratch it out
Leave the room, leave this place
I never saw you come in either way
And I'll never see you leave
Man rav posted a new single the other day, he's kind of hit and miss yk he does some really dope shit in albums but his singles are so easy to not be half of the shit on the albums, but man this is such a vibe. "At a glance" btw, idk what on it besides like, I've never heard a song that used echo sound effect like all the way through, but this one does and it rocks man it's really neat, really gets you the vibe that I guess people that get high get off to.
Man sometimes I wish I did drugs. That's a lie I never do but like, sometimes I think like "man if I smoked or did rugs or something, rn is def when I'd do them" and rn is one of those times. Thank fuck I don't do drugs, that shit just ain't worth it for your body and all, though I don't judge people that do use drugs, only they know the shit they go through, and I don't think myself better because of it it's just a thing ig, but then I'm like this rn, I feel kinda tired and overwhelmed, no idea wtf I'm meant to do to relax, idk I just wish I had something nice and simple, not think much, just start doing whatever that is and let myself feel loose, let my brain forget about the big things and just somewhat focus on the small ones.
I'm pretty sure my brain thinks I'll have that once I get into a relationship again, at least that's what I hope for man, I've let that hurt me more before but I think that's somewhat past me, is it selfish? Am I selfish for wanting this? idk I feel like trying to explain myself rn is just another anxiety trap. Btw sorry for this rant, are you reading this rn? did you read all of this? That means lots to me sorry for all this filler stuff I just really don't feel great rn, this whole place is my vent art but I try keeping it entertaining whenever I can but rn is not one of those times, just me saying dumb shit. Anyway uhhhh Yeah, anxiety trap, idk I just whenever I try explaining myself I always feel shit about it, like I'm just wrong regardless of what I say, like my explanations don't really mean much, idfk I'm just too abstract sometimes and things fall appart but I mostly pay attention to the bad things. Man there's some really big shit, big for me for most people it generally doesn't mean much, but I wish I could talk about in here, and I could but like, the feeling of being judged about it feels insane, not judged like "Oh what you're saying is wrong and nhuh" while I think I'm right just don't have the backup, no I mean like stuff that make me feel shit about myself just for being like I am, and how I'm percieved, and I don't disagree at all with that, I feel like a bug whenever that happens, like I can't and won't ammount to anything, just a bug with dreams, a bug that people can look at and say "hey that's a bug" and I say "yeah, I'm a bug, I don't mean to I'm really fucking sorry" but only in my head, this all of this is just in my head.
Yeah I don't really know how to end this.
I've been trying to finish the chill place, it's kind of hard when I'm not in that mood anymore. I know how I want it to be just not how to write it down. I'm sure I'll update it eventually it just sucks that it can't be right now.
I always veered away from it, I know many people don't think about it but for me it's such a huge thing, it's making a nuclear power kart, I I can't be trusted with such power, and it weighs, so many people hate it because it weighs, it weighs on their machines, their conexion, I tried not to use it for as long as I could but I betrayed them, I betrayed those with weak machines. The potential for projects is immense, but I wanted to do away with using it but I did, I did and my soul feels tainted. "FUCK XXXXXXXXXX" I heard people shout, and I believed in them, I agreed with them. But I could not restrain myself, it glows, it glows and its intoxicating, it makes my eyes hurt, it blows my mind with its potential and it implodes it just as much with its overwhelming possibilities.
This is a world of glass, and I feel like I introduced gunpowder to it.
But oh fuck if it's not fun.
I'm trying I'm trying I AM FUUUUUUCKING TRYYYYYYINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG BUT I CANNOT FOR MY FUCKING LIFE MAKE THIS ABSOLUTELY SCUM OF A BROWSER PLAY A FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO WHEN THE PAGE OPENS OR EVEN WHEN A BUTTON IS CLICKED.
Whenever I see something like this, it feels so validating, so reassuring. All the time spent, money, effort, brain steam, body energy.
So many paper scraps, glue left on fingers that you scrape off in the counter.
All those tiny little leftovers of sheer willingness to craft, it all feels valid.
Watching the kid behind that grey beard and under those long grey hairs just calmly retell his journey through something like that. It's not boombastic, it's not something thoroughly planned, nothing meant to be a magnum opus, it just started taking form off of a spurt of imagination, some parts on the floor, a random impossible thought that hey, maybe it's not so impossible at all?
I had a reaction to 6:53 but I already left my thoughts on it on a comment there as it happened.
Seeing him do all of that, at over twice, possibly even three times my age, any fear I might have at the moment of what I could become just melts away, turns my anxiety into a Taraxacum and the passage of time into a breeze, just for a moment, I feel like that is someone I could become, and I'd want nothing more.
I hold a good solid block of respect for that men, not someone at my level, or a higher level, but someone that sees that
there are no levels, we're in this world to have fun and enjoy our time with each other
so we shall.
Every single time, every single fucking time I try I remember.
Has anyone else noticed that pretty much all text now acts like a text input? kinda?
Anywhere I click the text cursor line shows up blinking, it doesn't do anything but it wasn't there before and it annoys me, but I always forget to ask people about it.
Is this happening to anyone else?
It's weird, sometimes you just need to talk to people that don't exist, or rather people that do exist, you just don't know them or know who they are.
Though I just thought of someone... hope they answer my /call.
Through dry fiber processed in giant contraptions from the forest of the water
With the blade forged from a fire of lands opposite to my own
Inspiration flows in my vains, from my brain to my feet, from my eyes to my lungs
where they burst into shouts, claims of power, of will, promisses of acomplishment
I shout to the wind, I shout for myself
Threaded by my mind with the same sand I forged this hiding
Fueled by my willpower to break through the abstract of physical
I'll build my carriage, I will construct my spaceship
With which I shall fly at lightspeed to reach and tear through the edge of space
In my hands I weild the tools to bend the universe
Reality shall twist as my fingers
For I am Bruno Rubim
The Paper-Cutting Master
Someone invited into my domain trashed my house and lit my pillows on fire
I'll have to do some cleaning, thanks to that, thanks to them.
/trail-02 project and onwards is canceled.
congrats, again.
Okay so like, for a few months, years maybe? I've had this little dream thingy, I wanna make an arcade cabinet and put like, a laptop or something similar on it, a screen and the buttons, prob have a keyboard in the back but have buttons and other stuff plugged on it, and have like various games from steam/whatever Like: Hotline Miami, Cave Blazers, FNF, Gungeon, Nuclear Throne, Ultrakill and such.
The other part of it would be that it's a stablishment, I wish I had like a place people could go to, maybe you pay per hour you stay inside, and it gives you access to all the stuff in there:
Arcade cabinets, board games, consoles, hand helds, all that kind of stuff and you can just hang and play with your friends.
instead though I am here right now at work, struggling to find something to do in my website to procattinate, I feel like I don't have friends anymore. I know I do that just is how it feels like. I'm tired. I've been trading sleep for some less than real company so I don't feel so alone at night.
For the longest time the idea of inacessable information has twisted my mind. Sharing information is the main way of connection we have with one another, saying things to each other, seeing a picture, reading someone's thoughts and feeilings on a concept, exploration of ideas.
Even just imagining the loss of that, the loss of any of it feels like a tragedy, the knowledge that something out there exists and access to it is impossible. How many songs, sights, stories have been lost from our consiousness to some sort of degradation? Something that could have been the entire world of a single human being and now will remain an invisible ghost to everyone who would otherwise still be able to experience it. How can that not make one's heart fill with sorrow?
Such event can come from many situations, lack of reccording, data corruption either a file having its bits swapped too many times or being covered with penetrating dark ink, papers left too close to a stove, a vynil scratching, plastic braeking, tearing, forgetting, dissolving, photodegradation, corrosion, decomposion,
From most of those I feel frustration, if only more care was taken, more security to ensure safety to the information.
Death is an exception.
From early teens, the idea of making a "Death Letter" was something I chewed on here and there. Its inspiration needs no mention, and despite my demise never seeming something on the near future, the thought of it sneaking behind me before I even know its there and snatching me is always the bitter taste left in my mouth when my mind decides to go there.
Its purpose morphed from its inception through the years but mainly it served for making sure how I wanted to be remembered and show clearly my views and thoughts on things I didn't have time, courage or company to share with during my life. Something I would want to have read out loud in my funeral.
I never had the courage to start but maybe I should, writing it down as a whole feels like an immense task, but I'm more comfortable with building it with time, counting on the juvenile feeling of "it can't be close so soon".
It will be burried here, of course. Nowhere better to put it other than my own sanctuary. I hold it to my heart that if someone truly cares about my soul, and I mean it in the way that few words can't describe but that doesn't exclude the appreciation and love in other ways.
If you are reading this after I am gone, what are you waiting for? Have fun looking for it!
Not much of note to say here, I just really
liked the Clancy album, nothing super phenomenal
it's just in my day to day life as of now and it
is really awesome.
Also the "WELCOME BACK TO TRENCH" hits really
hard.
No jardim do fundo, perfeito de concreto
Onde não passa o tempo e amortece meu lamento
Em meio desses vultos da mente
A briza me esfria, mas um momento por vez
Eu te vejo tão perto do céu
Suas folhas altas com flores
Aspirando tocar a borda do espaço
Rosas como a garota que tenho medo de conheser
Got a haircut
today.
I wish I could talk to my friends but no one seems to be really there
Not like I have anything to say though
I keep waiting for things to be good you know, like the real good kind of stuff, but it doesn't seem to come
Moments where I can feel free, feel safe with myself, safe to sleep knowing that I will have time when I wake up
I wonder if they even exist or if I'm too impatient but the former sounds more possible
I might have taken the idea that life is more than it can be
Bright colours and soft tissue and no fear of being alone
It feels like a necessity sometimes, but I'm still here right?
I'm still alive, so it must not really matter much
I can have happy moments without it so it must not metter much
Man what if I started a little cook book here? Like just some recipies that I know already/learn with time, tbh (to be honest [tbh]) that'd be great more because I tend to forget stuff like this a lot, so I could finally have somewhere to put it all down and know it'll be safe.
Well if I end up doing that I think the best place to put it would be... Tools and tips? Maybe? Along with other cooking life hacks under the day to day section... I'm not sure much where else I could put it.
Or maybe I have an idea... heh
It'll be a very chill experience
Stranger as in "Estrangeiro" from portuguese which means foreigner. He showed up at the place I work, walking around quickly and quietly looking at things all over, then he stopped by the counter and showed my mom a picture of a package I didn't recognize, most likely some random brand of pet food we didn't sell which is something that happens quite often, he asked mom "tienes"? or "do you have?" in spanish, she looked at me and I said we didn't, so he looked at his phone and started looking around again.
Mom then texted me saying that she thinks he's a foreigner and that I shold try speaking english to him. I was unsure about that but then he came to me with his phone in hand, on google translate. The top text was written in english so I just stopped reading and said "I speak english".
This was really cool, I rarely get to do things like this, I don't wanna brag I mean look all around you but I kinda do speak some good english, this is just text but people I've spoken to say that I don't have much of an accent. Something like this has happened to my brother a few times already but never to me. Turns out the guy was also looking for some paste for his cat's stomach track because of hair-balls, turns out we had 1 of those that we rarely got to sell, so that was also great. My dad told me to ask him some stuff, the guy's from Prussia I think, and he came to our town because some stuff is hard to buy in the country he was living for the past year.
Man I miss inscryption
I miss playing inscryption irl with friends*
I miss friends too
I don't feel bad rn but Ig that'll come later
Days have been getting colder
I didn't remember it being this cold in winter
I wish I could start more sentences with something other than "I"
I guess that's because I'm self centered
Nights have been cold and hard
I forgot to put <br> in the lines so I'll do that rn
Covers sometimes feel too heavy
The lily in the garden stays foot
Its roots in me as much as ever
I try having as much fun as I can here so that you might have some too
I hope you appreciate that.
It's quiet at night, very quiet, not unusual for this time or the northeast pasr of town. Those large emtpy fields of grass, some houses here and there but less present than most parts of town. the horizon visible through most of it, a faint far light in the middle of it, only visible from just how dark the sky is, always gave me the creeps. Me, someone else, someone close, maybe someone not that close too. Maybe we're biking maybe we're in someone's car, in panic, afraid, going as fast as we can trying to save our lives. We're all alone, we know, unconsciously, that no one is there to help at this time. No one to run to nowhere really safe, we have to rely on ourselves and each other.
What's the threat? Something, something big, huge. If you look at the distance you can see it and it's coming for you, it'll stop at nothing, all the rage and hunger and fear it has being used to hunt us all down.
This time, this hour hits different, it separates the truly normal from the unnatural. At this time, this specific instance, in the middle of fear and awe and trying to calm your friend down from the front seat of the car while you try to figure out a plan to stop this thing, all that matters is right now. Before, can't be changed, there might not even be an after, but you need to be here right now, you HAVE to let go of anything else.
The empty streets, the houses and locations I'm barely used to seeing from not coming to this side often at all. The abundant trees, the sudden lack of them, large plantation fields, too large to comprehend. Too large to even begin to know what lies under all that dirt. It feels like time is still, like you walked into a patch of space thats separate from all else, it's somewhere new and scary, but not completely. Not completely new not completely scary. It's like Janitor Bleeds and the incomparable connection I have with that alright game. It's the night to the day feeling I have from kingdom, solitude and need of warmth, old carpet and fear for survival but also the feeling that no one else is there to bother you.
In the thought processor something is being born
It'll be taken to the refinery, hopefully soon
Then to the smelter
To soon after be brought to this world
I want you all to see.
My strength
seems to have gone all away
My will seems to decipate
Bones and flesh starting to fade
And my brain, how it rips
Because it seems somehow
my arms are now paper strips
The morning wind has blown me out
All the way to the mountain top
But now the tides have turned and I
Can feel my fingers start to rot
Fell to the sea and desperately
I try to swim right back to shore
My legs dissolve right under me
and I'm just sinking now once-more
So hear me now, my screams and shouts
In a tiny bubble pop of air
I look above and see the sun
And wonder if it's even fair
That all the fish, seaweeds and crabs
Get to love, hang around and share
But when I try to get back up
It seems like my arms will just tear
Okay what the hell. I had a thought just now in portuguese but it works in english too. I just realized that the word "times" could work differently than I thought all these years.
In math, when you have like 4 x 3 four times three. That's the number 4 three times: 4 + 4 + 4 or four times the number 3: 3 + 3 + 3 + 3 I think we all should know and comprehend that.
What I noticed just today is that, all this time, I thoguht of the word "times" as if it were a verb. As if 4 is "timesing" 3, the same way you'd say 4 + 3 is four adding three, or subtracting and so on. But I have a feeling that might not be the case. It feels so natural now that it hit me like a stone thrown from outside my view that it is the damn number 4 three times. I also noticed that I would use the word "times" to replace the sign of multiplication, saying that there are the signs for plus, minus, times and devide, likely a symptopm of all this, but I don't know at this point.
git add .
git commit -m '[some message]'
git push
This is legit just because I keep forgetting these on the few times I need to use.
Working on a lil thing on the side for a friend, it's actually here on neocities.
Somewhat frustrating because need to deal with some parts of css I didn't want to until now, but it's a good learning experience.
Just more things I'll have to go back to projects to remember how I made them when I did.
I miss this place, I haven't been fully here for a little while
Sometimes I fear that I'll let people down, but that clashes with the
feeling that I'm alone in here, and that wins more often than not so
I don't mind it too much. But. Honestly I don't have much energy to
make this all nice and pretty and smooth, I just am making something
I hope is worth your while, it's been a struggle but a fun one, and
it's far from over but, eventually it'll be here.
I wish I knew that someone was here, I do but, it feels like a very
ocasional thing rather than what I would hope for. Anyway here's the
end of this block that I wrote a bit before most of this part.
It's the only place out of anywhere that I fully belong.
Of course. I made it.
Sometimes I wonder if people miss me and I'm wasting time
Sometimes I wonder if people don't, and I'm wasting time.
It's a weird comfort the thought that maybe no one cares, maybe I'm not letting anyone down
but the image of loneliness that it brings is too much for me to really feel comfortable
It's been a nice journey, this little one I've been doing for a little while now, I hope you don't miss me much, but also that you're here when I'm back.
Because half of this is for me.
And half of it is for you!
what a slip-up. I'm so sorry, it's been over a week and a small dumb update here ended up with a wrong title. I didn't mean to decieve you, I hope I didn't but I don't know how I couldn't with that title... what a fucking mess-up.
I'm tired, I need a break and I know I won't be able to for at least many months and unlikely until then. I don't have much time to talk.
I wish I could be with you more. But I can't right now.
Hey everyone, Long time no see! The fact that I've been absent for a good wihle is not lost on me! But the question is where was I while I was gone? The answer may shock you
So, I have mentioned here and there I'm working on a project and my plan was to only come back here once it was completed, hopefully at the end of october. That did not go as planned. After a good while working on that project I ended up getting tangled with other things, academic semester was coming to an end, I had begun my driver's lisence driving lessons, people both entered and left my social life. All of it good and bad in their own ways, I decided to try and make something unique for the final project of one of my classes and restarting it from scratch and my god did that kill me! Welp, that's what you get for trying to make a fucking rogue like in SQL.
That plus the stress of driving and some other factors stressed me to a point where it was clear to anyone around me I wasn't doing okay. So I asked for a week break from work which I had previously traded for my driving theory and driving lessons, but taking a week would allow me to rest better even thoguh I still had other things to do, so I did.
In the past week I slept quite a bit, god is it good to take naps, just lay down on the couch and tell myself "I know yo'ure kinda bored, in not too much time you'll have to leave to do something so you don't want to start anything, but your body feels tired, IT IS OKAY TO NOT DO ANYTHING, seriously enjoy the nothing and let your body rest" and so I did and it is so lovely to do that without the pressure of anything other than I'll have to wake up a bit later but I'm not losing anything.
Another thing I also did is I upgraded my pc! I don't have an ethernet cable in my room so I have to use wifi, I had a usb wifi thingy for two years now but god it sucks so much. Whenever I used it I got around 10mbps which if you understand anything you know that's almost nothing, what made it worse is that sometimes it would just dip for up to a minute at random. What I used to do for a long time was using my phone as a wifi receptor, connecting it with a usb cable and using hotspot tethering, which worked well enough, I'd get around 30mbps which is better but not great, sucks that I couldn't use my phone, also my motherboard had bad usb connectors so shit would just not work right, plus moving the cable slightly would cause the tethering to turn of so it was just incredibly annoying, so I needed a wifi card.
I chose a motherboard because mine was extremely old and I figured I might as well upgrade it, but for that I'd need also a new processor. I looked online and chose both that fit together and asked a friend to check if I needed to buy anything else because of it, turns out I had to replace literally everything appart from my SSD and graphics card, and I do mean fucking everything, even got a new case for it because mine had barely any ventilation. On tuesday parts arrived and I called my friend because I don't know two things about putting a pc together and long story short, took me 4 nights to get everything set, turns out the motherboard I chose already had wifi on it so I got a wifi card for nothing, I get from 70 to 90mbps now without dips, which is still very little but like, from 2 to 3 times better than what I was getting before so I'm not complaining.
Not much of note besides that, other than I already finished my driving lessons, all left to do now is doing the actual examn with the government agency and if I pass I can drive.
What I have to say is this, I am working on my little project still, but I don't know when it'll be finished, I'll try to keep it paralel to anything I want to do in here, to both keep my mind fresh and whoever is that might be here reading this updated. Today I start a new semester in class, and I wonder what all of that will entail. Hope to see you again here soon!
It's not uncommon to seek comfort when we are left torn, however there are certain kinds of "comfort" that come upside down, seeked not to turn our situation around, but for a feeling of agreement, reassure your feelings, to hear you and reflect yourself back to you. Those help us when avoiding these feelings isn't an option or just not a good one. But missusing, overusing this feeling can be... not ideal... I listen to this every day now
There's a certain album, a certain piece of media that has... I wouldn't say "helped", more kept me company when I've been in that dark deep cavern, it didn't get me out of there but it did make me warmer, like an old dusty blanket, there just for me. Quiet somber sadness tones playing through my head, it's as if time didn't move at all, as if nothing else existed at all. I felt stuck and that would tell me that everything is still, that I would stay there for a long time, it helps to accept so that later we can move on.
When you tie two things together so tightly it's hard to ever imagine them appart. After being over with that everlasting moment I'd occasionally stumble on that piece of media again, actually that's a lie, I'd seek it, I had no need for it anymore but still I missed the comfort, but that comfort isn't alone, it's the comfort of being stuck and that's where it would get me back to, instead of keeping my feelings company this ghost would possess them, revert them back to what is familiar, what "felt right".
To this day I have an unspoken promise to myself, I will not consume that again if not in dire situations, I might recall it, even recreate it in some crude form, but I know I don't have the power to counter it, if I come near it I'll become stuck again, so I will avoid it. I won't let myself be possessed again.
